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a Hero displays his (and it is always his) One Obvious Flaw in order to tug at audience heart-strings.

two or more things explode in sequence in regular motion (certain drinking games refer to this as a “clusterfuck” but that’s far too general at term – again, look what we’re talking about here).

you notice how much the camera’s moving, even when – especially when – it doesn’t need too.

I’m beginning to suspect Bay’s been a secret Yellow Lantern since at least the mid-90s…no doubt in league with Sinestro and/or Parallax.

a Villain appears drenched in blue, since Bay seems to have called out a fatwa against that whole side of the color wheel.

a Hero does something reckless and/or stupid to prove how heroically awesome he (and it is always he) is.

a piece of Odious Comic Relief falls flat (not to be redundant or anything).

Bay utilizes an establishing shot that takes place during “the magic hour” (either sunrise or sunset, since Bay doesn’t seem to care about the difference).something explodes (obviously – look at what we’re talking about here).Throwing Pearl Harbor at passing cars would only annoy their drivers…who’d go on to annoy the cops…who’d go on to annoy me. I figured it would do the greatest good for the greatest number of people. After I filled half a page with geometric calculations, constructing the Ultimate Michael Bay Drinking Game seemed a much more utilitarian distraction. I spent a good thirty minutes contemplating how hard I’d need to throw this movie off my balcony in order to ensure its disc would land at the optimum place in the street where it was sure to be run over by as many cars as possible. Since Pearl Harbor bored me so damn much, my mind savored any distraction. As that great old drunk Stephen Hopkins (my favorite character from 1776) once said, “So it’s up to me, eh?” That’s what you get for falling down on the job, fellow rummies. But while individual drinking games exist for individual films, apparently no drunk has the courage to construct a game applicable to Bay’s entire oeuvre.

Incidentally, Googling “Michael Bay Drinking Game” yields up some dangerous results. I was the one playing that drinking game. Re-examining Armageddonall but killed me, though that’s partially my own fault. Full daylight? In a Michael Bay establishing shot? Revolutionary!

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